Lincoln's Eulogy from Take Care, Sara

I know eulogies are supposed to highlight all the things we love about the people we've lost, but I can't do that, not with Cole. We all know everyone loved Cole. We all know all the many ways and forms he was awesome, and yes, we all know he will be insanely missed. So I'm not going to get into any of that. Instead I'm going to highlight all the ways he was annoying, all the ways he drove me crazy, all the ways he pissed me off, because honestly, that is what I will miss the most about him; all the ways he aggravated me. I'd give anything to have him punch me in the arm one last time or try to trip me as I walk past, and most especially, be handed a cup of that awful gas station coffee he knew I loathed and still brought me every day we worked together.

I compiled a list of the ten most irritating Cole-isms. I'm sure a lot of you will agree with me on these.

1. He always took the last helping of mashed potatoes. That really irritated me. I mean, he was smaller than me, so he shouldn't have needed to eat more than me.

2. His singing. It was terrible. I think he purposely sang off-key just because he knew how much it bothered me. No one can sing that bad without trying to.

  3. His love of Peeps. I mean, really? Those are the most digusting things I've ever tasted. How could he enjoy those? It's like shoving a wad of sugar in your mouth and letting it dissolve on your tongue. It makes me shudder thinking about it.

4. The movie Titanic. I apologize to those of you who like the movie, but Cole just ruined it for me, he really did. He watched that movie every single time it was on TV. He said it was because of the ship, but really, I know it was the love story that had him hooked. And I know this 'cause I saw him tear up a time or two, even though he tried to hide it. Guy was a closet sap.

5. Snowmobiling. Don't get me wrong: I love snowmobiling. Just not with Cole. He had to race against everyone, which isn't all that bad, but damn, the guy never lost. Can I say damn? No matter how many times I raced him, I lost. As did all of you unfortunate enough to decide to go against him.

6. His laugh. Cole was gifted with the laugh of a horse. No lie. It sounded like he was whinnying every time he thought something was funny.

7. Cole's lack of cavities. This brings me back to the Peep thing. How can someone eat so much unhealthy food and never get a cavity? I was going to say good genetics, but then where does that leave me? Shafted, like usual.

8. How he always stood up for me growing up. Sure, he let me fight my own battles, but when I couldn't, he was there, and even when I didn't want him to be, he was still there. Always watching. Always making sure I didn't get my ass kicked. Can I say ass? Anyway, sometimes I didn't want him around because I thought it made me less of a man to have my older brother hovering, even though I was glad he was there, which also made me mad. Apparently I was a confused kid.

9. Grandma Lena. No matter what I did, didn't do, said or didn't say, Cole was her favorite. She told everyone it was because he wasn't loud like me, but really, I think she was just a sucker for his baby blues. Those eyes got him out of trouble more times than they should have. Whatever it was, yep, shafted again.

10. And what I really hate about Cole the most is that he's gone, and I can't tell him any of this. He was my brother, my best friend, the one I looked up to more than anyone else, the person I strove to be the most like, and now there's this void where his light should be. So, yeah, most annoying thing about Cole is him not being here. Not in the literal sense, anyway. He'll always be here, in my heart. Pain in the ass, pain in the heart; both of which I gladly endure. Sorry about the ass thing again.

Love you, Bro.